My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools