Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Lmao 🤣
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.