Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t