Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Okay me first

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness