Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop