Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

incredible

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

😂

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.