Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.