Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.