Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You Might Also Like
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??