Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

In case you needed to hear it:

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳