*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.