*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min