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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?