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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now