Brands during Pride
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..