Brands during Pride
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Not even remotely sorry.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out