Brands during Pride
You Might Also Like
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me recordaron éste meme
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT