Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
You Might Also Like
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
looks legit
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
