Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
(Musicians.)
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house