Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed