Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident