Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.