Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Me buying fruit and veg
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20