Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found a horse’s reddit account

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.