BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
smartest karate player in the world
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.