Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Are these grass-fed oranges?

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?