Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Well, that should do it
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.