Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?