Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Thursday Thought.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.