BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
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Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.