BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
