BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.