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@TheMichaelRock: Brb, I'm gonna go pet that dog.
- me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse
@dave_cactus: [ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
@cpabry: Pal - "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?"
Me - "I'll need a screwdriver."
Pal - "Sure what type?"
Me - "Greygoose or Kettle One."
@samalmightysam: You're born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive......
@shopkins776: *Lying in hospital
Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again
Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip