@TheMichaelRock

Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@MichaelTrying

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

@matt___nelson

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”

@SlayerSays

Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.

@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.