[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You Might Also Like
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.