Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.


*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?


If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”


Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.


Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.