Brb my Sims are getting married
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My whole life was a lie.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.