Brb my Sims are getting married
![]()
You Might Also Like
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
When you’ve simply given up.
![]()
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Big Sex has us all fooled
![]()
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭