Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911