Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.