BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂