Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
road rage
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
