Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
God making man in his image was the original selfie
