Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home