Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
reminder
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Good morning
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.