Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me recordaron éste meme
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty