Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Just had my nails done!
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.