A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early