Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter