Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
sign of the times 🖊
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
