Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
i’m still crying at this
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real