Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?