Bread puns are on the rise!
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.