Bread puns are on the rise!
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British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?