Bread puns are on the rise!
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
.. do you even science?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Cat.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“