Bread puns are on the rise!
You Might Also Like
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
This billboard speaks to me
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish