Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Hello Twits.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.