Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.