Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap