Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.