Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

You know…for fall…

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.