Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

guys i’ve cracked the code

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do