Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

12. I think about this all the damn time

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

stop