@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

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@roboticcrab

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@CrowsFault

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

@Worstwizard

“Yeah I’m still single”
• resigned
• whiny
• framed as a personal failure

“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
• affirmation of high standards
• discourages cowards

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

@AlexvanBeek

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.