Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Cannot stop laughing at this
All food is good if you spell it wrong
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
2022 will be better than 2021
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what