break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?