Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Perfect

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.