Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Him: didn’t the therapist say you should live “in the moment”?
Me: yeah but not THIS one
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
You might just have to resign…
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.