Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

here we go again

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.