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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*