Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house

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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”


I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*


What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one
Anna two



The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history


My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.


Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.