Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

the three branches of government

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.