Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

WTF

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

termite twitter scares me

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Cha-ching is my safe word

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place