Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I drew y’all a little something.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.