Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

wish me luck lads

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.