Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Good morning

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.