Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Childbirth is so beautiful

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.