@thatcarlygirl

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

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@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@davidkenny100

Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

@tastefactory

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

@Thedudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.