Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*