Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance