Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)