Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??