Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes